This American Life: Unconditional Love

Title: This American Life: Unconditional Love

Date: 6 February 2011
Class: Theory of Knowledge
Category: In Class

This radio recording (aired on November 15^th 2006) of the program “This American Life” featured two stories with the theme of Unconditional Love.

In the past, psychologists (with the government’s support) have declared that it is dangerous for the parents to show love towards their children. At the time, doctors and scientists were in accord of this argument stating “trust us we’re scientists” (using the appeal to authority, an informal fallacy) and “don’t pick up your child” as they are more prone to bacteria this way.

Set to prove this idea wrong, was a unique psychologist, psychologist Harry Harlow. He conducted an experiment with the use of baby monkeys and dolls (one ugly and made out of wire holding the baby’s food, another made out of soft cotton). The baby monkeys showed that they only went to the wired mother when they needed food and the cotton mother for the remaining time. This showed that the monkeys felt the need for comfort, affection and security. Another experiment he did was with “evil mother monkeys”. These mothers would abuse the baby monkeys for a period of time and stop. Although the babies feared the mothers when they would attack, they always came back to their mothers once the abuse stopped, portraying the unconditional love between parents and their children and the significance of love in the family.

The first story showed how important it is for the children to receive love and affection from their parents and the second showed how the love was unconditional in the family. The first story described life for a family who adopted a boy from Romania who had never experienced love. He didn’t know what love was, he didn’t know what a family was and therefore didn’t know if he wanted all of this. However, the adopting family shared with him so much of their love, enough to heal him of his anger and draw him close. At one point, the interviewer asked, “How do you love a person that is homicidal?” where the mom replied, “I mean… because he’s my son!” This love that he had received from them, had transformed him, from an angry homicidal, to a helpful loving son. They never gave up on him because of their unconditional love; even though he wasn’t their biological son, they felt this unconditional love for him.

The second story dealt with a family who had an autistic son. It mentioned the pressure the parents felt, they didn’t know whether they needed to keep him, or send him away to a residential program. At first, even with the physical harm that he was, the mother felt that “I [She] can’t do that to him” in which she referred to sending him away. Although the father felt that he would feel much better if they did, he didn’t bring up the subject because he, in a way felt guilty for even thinking this way. After feeling this way, they were both “determined to get through this” together because he was a baby in a boy’s body that kept growing and growing and they loved him. They couldn’t let strangers take care of him. However, as they tried to deal with this at home with the help of psychiatrists and psychologists, the situation seemed to be getting worse. He was being a harm to his family. At this point, they decided to take him to the residential program. Although it broke their heart, they knew it was for the better, not only for themselves, but for their son too. They visited him, and he sometimes visited them, and they could see the progress. Their unconditional love for their son is shown as they make the best decisions reflecting on what’s best for their son, even if it may break their heart.

This recording is relevant to emotion as a Way of Knowing because it shows how this unconditional love determines the connection we feel towards our families. If we feel this unconditional love (the ability to accept the people, and doing whatever will make the other happy even for the sake of our misery), then we can say that we have a strong connection to them, an unbreakable bond. We can use this emotion of love and attachment to determine what our relation is to that other person. This emotion can help identify ourselves in relation to the surrounding people. We can also determine other emotions that may arouse from this emotion of love; for example hatred if this emotion does not exist, or happiness from being around this person if we do love them etc. This allows us to know how we feel about this person, and the extent of how we think of this person in terms of positive or negative. Nevertheless, this idea is subjective as we cannot state that everyone feels the same level of love whenever they feel it. For example, the unconditional love towards a sibling may be different to the unconditional love towards one’s life partner. The knowledge issue I find is this: if this level of love or type of love is different, can one make the same conclusions about how they feel, or what they think of this person?  

These real-world stories complicate the concept of emotion as a way of knowing because well, does the particular emotion have the same effect on everyone? In the first story, the unconditional love showed that they will be there for their child no matter who he is and what he’s been through. However, the second story showed an unconditional love that caused them to make the choices that would benefit the child the most from their perspective. From this, it seems as though people make different approaches to how they view their emotion. From this, we can also predict that from one emotion, there can be many ways of knowing because there can be many ways to interpret that emotion.

The experiment run by psychologist Harry Harlow stated that the babies feel secure from the touch of the mothers. However, the knowledge issue I find is this: How does one know that the babies feel secure? (For me, it seems that the experiment is making a hasty generalization in which the psychologist assumes that the babies feel secure because they keep coming back to the mothers). Could it be that the babies come back to their mothers because they feel like they have nowhere else to go?  Another knowledge issue is this, does being and feeling secure mean the same thing to everyone?

The second story made me think of the book I just read a couple days ago Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. In this novel, a character’s brother, and the main character’s father are also faced with autism (like the child of the second story). In parts of the novel, it showed how the other main character (Savannah) dealt with her friend’s brother (Alan) who had autism. “…and I could hear the cupboard doors being opened and slammed while he continued to wail, almost as if were dying… ‘Alan! I’m coming!’ she shouted, her voice frantic. ‘It’s going to be okay!’ Alan continued to wail, and the cupboards continued to slam shut” (Sparks, 261). In this quote, it shows some of the behaviors autism is responsible for. This kind of behavior was also stated in the recording. The father described his son as a “toddler in a child’s body”. He was said to “open car doors when we [the parents] were driving, walk in traffic…” behaviors similar to a baby, like Alan in the novel. Although Alan’s parents were killed in a car accident, Tim (his older brother) and Savannah (his sister-in-law) gave him the same unconditional love his parents would have. “‘I love him.’ She kissed the top of his head. ‘He loves you, too, Alan. And so do I…’” (Sparks, 262). This shows how they love and care for him even though he has autism, and can be dangerous sometimes. This also portrays the idea that unconditional love is not only present in parents and the child but also within other family members too.

Personal Emotion Inventory

Title: Personal Emotion Inventory

Date: 26 January 2011
Class: Theory of Knowledge
Category: In Class

For each of these questions, explore and justify your answers. Spend some time and be thoughtful with this. It should go in your field notebook.

1. List as many emotions as you can that you have personally experienced.

1.       Sadness

2.       Happiness

3.       Guilt

4.       Regret

5.       Relief

6.       Nervousness

7.       Jealousy/Envy

8.       Hatred

9.       Anger

10.   Fear

11.   Worry

12.   Disappointment

13.   Moved/Touched

14.   Shocked/Surprised

15.   Appreciation

16.   Disgust

17.   Tense

18.   Anxious

19.   Excited

20.   Calm

21.   Stressed

2. Describe one experience of strong emotion you can remember from your childhood. How did it affect you?

            When I was in Elementary School, this rumor about me was being spread about me not being trustworthy, and me being a bad friend. As if this wasn’t bad enough, I realized that it was the people I used to refer to as so-called “best friends” who were spreading this rumor. I was overwhelmed by shock, disappointment, anger, worry, stress and depression. Shocked, because I did not anticipate my friends betraying me, and saying such horrible things about me; disappointed because I thought they were better friends than that, and disappointed at myself for allowing them to think that way of me. I felt angry because I wanted revenge, worried because I was worried people will actually believe what they say and I wouldn’t be able to convince anyone that it wasn’t true because I couldn’t be trusted. With all these feelings, I became stressed, stressed to the point where I became depressed.

I didn’t want to go to school anymore when I used to look forward to going to school. I began to doubt myself, and ask, “Am I really trustworthy as I think I am? Or am I fooling myself? Am I really not trustworthy like they say I am?” I began to think “well, they should know me pretty well; maybe I really am not trustworthy”. Due to the empowerment of my emotions, I began to stop trusting myself, and let my emotions control my thoughts.

3. How emotional are you?

a. How intensely do you feel emotion (on a scale of 1-10, then describe)? Do you cry or laugh easily?

On a scale of 1-10, I think I would be an 8. People tell me I’m very sensitive, meaning I feel emotions very strongly. By watching a sad movie, I tend to cry. I cry easily but I am able to control whether I let the tears fall or not. For example, I can often convince myself not to cry, by thinking of happy thoughts or anything that will get my mind off the topic of crying. People can easily make me laugh. I can’t make myself laugh, but I laugh very easily when I’m around people I am comfortable with. I think this shows that I am more liable to feel a greater intensity of emotion around people I know on a personal basis.

b. Look back at your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator results. What did they suggest about how emotional you are? Do you agree?

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator results showed that I value feelings but I tend to follow the rules and rely on facts. I think this is accurate because I find myself to feel emotions intensely, but I am still capable of deciding whether I allow my emotions to affect me (although this depends on how intensely these emotions are felt). I usually allow my emotions to determine the perspective I think in, but I am more dependent on facts and rules rather than my emotions.

c. Which emotions do you tend to feel more strongly? Are you more susceptible to some emotions and less to others?

            I feel the most susceptible to sadness and worry rather than happiness and appreciation. I often tend to be a pessimist. I worry about the smallest things (what if I don’t have time to prepare for school tomorrow?) to the bigger things (what if I don’t get accepted by any universities?). If I don’t have a plan made for the day, or a time period, I usually start to worry and feel the need to start planning. Because of my excessive worry, I tend to forget to appreciate the moment. When I start to reflect back, this is when I feel regret for not taking the time to appreciate the moment given because this moment may have been one that I would never again encounter.

            Once I reach a point of sadness, my whole thought process begins to think negatively. I begin to make assumptions (hasty generalizations) that lead me to feel more depressed. This is why I cannot be alone when I’m feeling sad. I need someone to help me control my thoughts because my positive thoughts disappear once I become sad. At this stage, my memories of sadness and pain reappear in my mind emphasizing this emotion furthermore.

            When watching movies, I usually place myself in the character’s shoes. I watch the movie as if I am a character of this movie, and thus it makes the movie more personal and relatable. When watching movies, the movie is able to control my emotions. Depending on what type of movie I watch, I can feel happy, sad, or fearful. This is why I usually use movies in converting my emotions from one emotion, to another. For example, when I’m feeling sad, I will usually want to watch happy movies once I realize I need to be a stronger person. After watching a movie with a happy ending, I usually feel happy myself and look forward to the rest of the day. While watching movies, I would have to say that my emotions are not susceptible to a particular emotion, but rather, to all the emotions including happiness, sadness and fear.

d. How emotional are your immediate family members compared to you?

            My grandmother (from my mom’s side) and my mom are emotional like me. I remember my last prom, my grandmother started to tear up because she was overwhelmed by how grown up I was. She got the image that I was getting married and this image brought her tears. My mom is also very emotional. Whenever we fight, she often feels so tense that she can start tearing up. Me, being emotional like her, start to tear up because I see someone else (my mom) tearing up. I feel that my mom, my grandmother and I tend to be susceptible to sadness as we can often cry easily without meaning to.

e. Has your experience of emotions changed over time?

            Yes, I have learned to control my emotions over time in a more effective manner. When I was a baby, I would cry when I was hungry, showing that I could not control my emotions or needs very well. In my Elementary years, I used to cry very easily but less than my infant years. If I fell, I could not control my emotions, and I would let the pain allow my eyes to start filling with tears. I could control weaker needs such as hunger and wants, but I could not control my emotions towards pain. Now, in my High School years, I am able to control my needs, my wants and a degree of pain. If I fell, I could control how this pain affects me, but if it is more of an emotional pain, it is harder for me to handle. I believe in the future, I will be able to control these emotions too.

4. What physical responses do you have to specific emotions? Give some examples.

Our physical responses depend on our emotions. For example, when we’re happy we are more liable to laugh, or smile. By feeling this emotion, our body feels the need to express our emotions unless we are able to control these emotions. For example, when I’m feeling depressed, I would feel the need to cry, to express my sadness. However, by being able to control our emotions, we are able to control our physical responses to our emotions.

5. Can you control your emotions, or do they control you?

            I think emotions control us but we are also able to control our emotions, it really depends on the perspective we view this in. We can control our emotions in how they affect us. We can allow our emotions to control our thoughts or decisions or actions but we can also leave emotions out. This is usually seen in businesses. Professionals usually need to learn how to make the best decisions for the company regardless of how we may feel towards the decision. In order to do this, we need to be a strong person. We need to learn how to ignore our emotions, for the best. But to determine what is “for the best”, we need to make another decision. Perhaps, this thought could be affected by our emotions which would then mean that we are not able to control our emotions, and that emotions control us. Thus, I have just contradicted myself. For this reason, I think that this question depends on which way we perceive this. Do decisions come first that has to be made in order to make other decisions, (in which our emotions would control us) or do we make the decisions (in which we would control our emotions).

6. Do negative or positive emotions affect your behavior more?

            I think this really depends on the type of person. For example, for me, I am often a pessimist. I allow my negative emotions to affect my behaviors. When I’m sad, I tend to keep to myself more whereas usually I am a very out-going person. However, I don’t need to feel happy to be out-going; but I do need to feel sad to be more isolated and quiet. Therefore, I can say that my negative emotions affect my behavior more. However, if it was an optimistic person, this could be the complete opposite –perhaps for this person, the positive emotions may affect his/her person more.

7. Do you make decisions based on emotion or reason?

          I make decisions based on both emotion and reason. I try to make decisions based on reason; however, it is often hard to control my emotions to not let it affect the way I think. I know I should base my reasons on reasoning rather than emotions however, my emotions usually determine the way I think. When I feel sad, I tend to think in a more negative way, whereas when I’m happy, I’m liable to feel more hopeful and happy. Therefore, I would have to say that I base my decisions on both emotion and reason but I really think this depends on how well someone is able to control his/her emotions.

8. Do you feign/fake emotional response? Why? When? Is it OK to do this?

Yes, I sometimes fake emotional response. I think this is OK if this is for the better. For example, if I feel disappointed about something that someone did, I may not want to show this to someone if this person has already had a very bad day. Instead, I may approach this in a different way. I may encourage someone to do have done something else, encouraging with a smile (an indication of happiness) rather than scolding (an indication of disappointment). However, if there are too much emotions being faked, this may lead to someone having the reputation of being fake, resulting in people to drift away from this person as they will not be able to relate to one another.